Spiral

Despite having a great time at the Dixie Chicks last night, I’ve had a pretty rough day today. Even though I’ve been proactive in seeking out med optimization and all the other things that go along with taking charge or your own emotional health, I feel like I’m mostly faking it these days. It really sucks because most of the time, I’m not really feeling very present in my life, in spite of all my efforts. I see the doctor again this week and I think I’m going to ask to go up another level on my Effexor, even though I feel a little bit like a zombie as it is. A friend of mine referred to it as an “extended fuckover moment” which is a pretty apt description.

I heard this song when I was out running errands earlier. It’s a lesser known Alanis Morissette song – lesser known because it is not on Jagged Little Pill. It’s always spoken very strongly to me, and it kind of describes how I feel right now. Even though I keep saying to myself that I just want to be left alone, it’s more important now than ever for me to engage with people, even if there is a little bit of faking it.

 

I could be daydreaming but for a moment
And somehow they’re creeping back in
I could be sleeping awakened the torrent
Somehow I get caught in their grips again

And here I am in my shame spiral
I’m sucked in to it again
And I reach out for your benevolent opinion
And you bring the light back in, oh

Don’t leave me here with all these critical voices
Cause they do their best to bring me down, bring me down
When I’m alone with all these negative voices
I will need your help to turn them down, turn them round

I could be listening to waken the season
The story I’m not even in
These voices have their way when I am unguarded
Suddenly I step in quicksand again

Once again in my shame spiral
I am glad that you’ve weighed in, oh

Don’t leave me here with all these critical voices
Cause they do their best to bring me down
When I’m alone with all these negative voices
I will need your help to turn them down, turn them round

All these judgements, so incisive
Voices left to their devices
This moments narrate is a desperate plea
For slack to be cut to me
Cut to me, oh

Don’t leave me here with all these critical voices
‘Cause they do their best to bring me down, bring me down
When I’m alone with all these negative voices
I will need your help to turn them down, turn them round
Turn them round, turn them round

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s