Apologies to Jay-Z for destroying his song in my paraphrase, but sometimes I need to actually hear that.
I woke up today with a really sore lower back. It’s unusual for me because I don’t normally have aches and pains of the bodily nature – Heidi has more than enough for the both of us – but goddamn, it really hurt. I stood under the hot water in the shower for a longer time than usual this morning. It didn’t work. So by the time I got to work, I decided I better drug up and went straight for the ibuprofen. Those of you who know me know that I do not medicate lightly. Every time I complain about a headache or any kind of pain, Heidi always asks me “did you take something for it?” and my answer is, inevitably, always “no.” But I was hurting pretty bad, so desperate times, desperate measures, etc., etc.
The ibuprofen really didn’t touch it, and it started to get worse. I was feeling it in my leg, in my hip. And this was when I did what I do best. I always say that pharmacists have just enough diagnostic ability to concoct the worst case scenario. I was convinced at various points during the day today that I had one of these four things:
- Metastatic cancer to my spine
- Renal cancer
- A mesenteric deep vein thrombosis, which, if I did in fact have, probably means I have cancer.
It ain’t easy being me. Or at least having my brain and the sliver of diagnostic ability that I have.
It kind of waxed and waned as the day went on, and now, it’s just kind of a dull ache in my left lower back. I took one of Heidi’s muscle relaxers (bad pharmacist) and that seemed to help quite a bit, lending quite a bit of credence to the pulled muscle theory or the “I slept on my back wrong” theory – both of which are much more likely than any of the 4 things I came up with in the rush of anxiety that accompanied an ache or pain that had the gall to last more than 2 minutes.
If there was any doubt that my anxiety was out of control lately, today removed those doubts utterly and completely. I am sure I will live to concoct another worst case scenario another day. It doesn’t help that one of my deepest fears is dying young (not the movie, although that was pretty scary too) from some unseen illness. It also does not help that a high school classmate of mine shuffled off the mortal coil this week six months after a cancer diagnosis. But just because it happened to someone does not mean it will happen to me.
I remember talking in a recent blog post that I am always worried about time these days, and not having enough of it. That’s probably why I do this. Exactly why I insist on spending the time that I do have inventing unlikely diagnoses for myself I may never understand. Perhaps that’s the thing I need to work on first.