As an introvert, I REALLY enjoy my quiet time. I get irritated when people sit down with me at lunch, ignoring the fact that I have headphones in my ears. I truly enjoy walking to work as it gives me the solitude that I crave and rarely get with a full family life and hectic job. But there are times that, even as an introvert, I really crave interaction. Now would be one of those times. And it never fails, that when I’m feeling this way, I can’t quite scratch that itch of interaction, no matter how hard I try.
Those are the times that I feel loneliness. I’ve always been a little bit of a weird amalgam of introvert and someone who wants and needs interaction with other people. Part of the problem is that I train people to give me my space, and then, when that space gets too big for my comfort, I reap what I sow and find myself alone. It’s so weird, I can’t really articulate it. Maybe I am the introvert that people look at by himself and say “he must be lonely” and are actually right, even though I don’t want to admit it.
The message in this post is getting garbled, as I suspected it would. This post is actually part of a bigger post that I’m working on and may or may not ever publish. That particular post hitting a little too close to home for me right now. Suffice to say that right now, I’m reaching out to people a lot more than I usually do which is not easy for me because it requires me putting myself out there for public evisceration.
All those posts on Facebook about introverts say that if an introvert lets you in, feel honored because they don’t let just anyone in. That’s the God’s honest truth. I spend most of my life keeping people at arm’s length because even at my advanced age, I am worried about rejection and people’s judgment of me. As Madonna says in Truth or Dare before performing in front of a hometown crowd in Detroit, “even though it’s not supposed to matter, it does matter what they think.” I’d like to think that IDGAF most of the time, but the truth is, I do.
I guess the point of this post is to vocalize that I’m feeling lonely a lot these days, even though introverts are supposed to be energized by solitude. The loneliness is not because I lack friends or interaction, but because I’m really not doing a very good job of taking care of myself. My balance is off, I can feel it in just about every aspect of my life. Writing this post is kind of a way of making sure that I start taking better care of myself so that I can be a better version of myself.
It also probably means I need to go sing karaoke.