I mentioned a few posts back that I haven’t been blogging. It’s true. I have only written (counting today’s post) 14 posts in the last 60 days. That’s pretty abysmal when you get right down to it. I chalked it up to being busy at work and with life, but it wasn’t until yesterday that I finally pinpointed that my lack of blogging was a symptom of a larger issue.
Those of you who know me well know that I can be very internal. It’s a comfortable place for me to be because I know how I tick. The trouble is, there is such a thing as “too internal.” And that’s pretty much where I’ve been for the last couple of months. I put on my best face and power through days at my job. Some days are more successful than others, but it is unquestionably work to do so. No wonder blogging hasn’t been as attractive as it used to be. Although it’s funny because blogging is one of the more extroverted ways to be internal. That balance, however, has been hard to come by lately. The thought of putting sentences together has seemed like just too much work.
I guess this is my way of saying that I have been withdrawn from everyone lately, including those that I love and care about the most. It was one of those things where I woke up today and realized how far I had pulled back. Some of you may not have even noticed and for that, I’m grateful. For those that I have hurt, however inadvertently, I can only offer my sincerest apologies and say that I’m coming back better than ever. A lot of it has to do with playing the “you’re stupid” tape over and over and over in my head. Just when you think it’s been banished to sit with the 8-tracks, it shows up again. As I always say, it’s hard to turn off 40 years of hard wiring in your brain.
It’s been a long time since I have actively battled against feelings of depression. Honestly, I’m so used to dealing with anxious thoughts and feelings, I had forgotten that they existed in the first place. But anxiety and depression are all of a piece. It’s hard to have one without the other.
As Gloria Gaynor (and Diana Ross – whose version I prefer – and so many other artists who’ve covered it) once said, I will survive. Actually, I’ll do much better than that. I deserve better than that. My family and friends deserve better than that. They deserve to get the best possible version of me. The Dan who is obsessed with Madonna and says strange and goofy things and, most of all, feels good about himself so that he can give his very best to others. He’s been missing in action for a long time now.
So this ends here and it ends now. It’s from this place that I vow to be more present in my life, live less in the mistakes of the past and by God, I’m going to win those MDNA pit tickets if it kills me!