I never thought that I’d follow up a solid month of daily posting with nearly a week of silence. What can I say? I worked back to back weekends and then got sick. Then the car AND the truck died (the car’s fixed, the truck’s still out of commission) and well, after writing every day for 31 days (all of November and December 1st), I must have decided to take a break.
So yesterday, I got an e-mail from my trainer that started out something like this – “All your hard work is going down the drain!” Admittedly, I have slipped and fallen off the exercise bandwagon. I have tried a couple times recently to get back on to no avail. I have a million excuses not to do it. Intellectually, I get that I need to start again but I’m fighting my emotional brain that is currently having another temper tantrum and screaming at the top of its lungs “I DON’T WANNA!” So when I got this e-mail, it immediately rubbed me the wrong way. The last thing in the world that’s going to motivate me to start exercising more regularly again is a guilt trip. In fact, that’s more likely to make me not do it just on principle and for the purposes of being bucky and contrary.
I realize that I had the reaction I did to her e-mail because what she said is true. I’ve worked hard and I’m in danger of losing a lot of the progress I made by not doing more. If I don’t keep at it, I’m likely to have to go on cholesterol medication in 2012. I really have to force myself to do it because I’m not terribly good at it and I’m still not to the point that some people get where they look forward to going and turning into a sweaty mess. I have a friend who shows up to the gym religiously every morning between 5 and 5:30 AM. Let me tell you how that will NEVER happen with me. I both admire and despise people that have exercise success. I admire them because it’s what I’d like to do but I despise that it seems so easy for them. Of course, it’s not, but it seems like it.
A while back I wrote a post which was basically me being mad at the dirt and another friend of mine suggested to me that I needed a gym accountability buddy. Don’t I ever! Although that makes me wonder if even that would motivate me. Would I just demonize that persona s well? Would I interpret everything they said as the laying on of a guilt trip? I’d like to think I wouldn’t, but I just don’t know. I think it just boils down to the fact that I don’t like exercise that much, but I have to do it.
It’s funny because I am pretty on the ball in most aspects of my life. I’ve maintained a marriage for almost 15 years. I’ve stayed in my current job for almost 10. I get stuff turned in on time at work and show up every day on time. Why can’t I make this work? There’s no less riding on it than any of the other examples I brought up as evidence of my ability to be accountable to things. Maybe because there’s so little positive reinforcement – as in, I don’t get immediate external validation that what I’m doing is good? I don’t know. Maybe it’s as simple as my inner kid maintains – I just don’t wanna.
Oh well, there’s a reason that the adult me is in charge and not the toddler. But you have to be careful not to just dismiss the kid because they are as much a part of me as the responsible adult.