So today I finally admitted that I need to buy new pants. This was partially because my I am super hard on pants and they were wearing out around the leg cuff, belt loops, and, in one case, the butt. But it was largely due to the fact that I am having a hard time fitting into them these days. I started the year out with great ambitions to lose weight and at least get back down to where I was about a year ago when I had lost 20 pounds and was feeling super good about myself and how I looked. Then the summer happened and I stopped caring and I gained it all back with a few more just for good measure. For most of the year, I have been hovering in the low to mid 240s, but recently I have been flirting with the 250 mark and much like love for Janet Jackson, that will never do.
I know that a lot of it has to do with my state of mental health, which for most of the year has not been great. As Heidi pointed out to me today (and as I well know), I do a lot of emotional eating. If there’s sweets around, I will eat them, usually to excess, as if they are the only sweets I will have for the rest of my life. Also, the cafeteria at work, despite going through a massive remodel, is somehow even more lacking in healthy options.
I also have not been exercising at all. Today, I made a point to walk to the library and back, which is a 2 mile round trip. I also mowed the yard for the first time since Memorial Day weekend (I know) so I’m ending my day with just over 14,000 steps. I know that exercising will make me feel better, even mild exercise would be better than nothing, but I’ve been feeling so shitty that I can’t even manage to push myself to even start anything.
So it’s not surprising that I have mixed emotions about getting new pants. I love to get new clothes, but the fact that they had to be bigger than what I was wearing now was a bit disheartening.
To say 2017 has been a hard year for me is putting it mildly. I’m not sure that I’ve felt the specter of depression as much as I have this year since college. I know how to deal with anxiety – I’ve gotten so good at it that I can practically do it in my sleep – but I’ve forgotten how much feeling like shit saps your energy and makes you not want to do anything and makes you go nearly 6 weeks between yard mows. I didn’t shower today at all – something that very rarely happens – and I am tired pretty much constantly. The littlest things set me off. Like the fact that when I was pulling the car in the garage tonight I have not replaced the tail light that broke months ago. Then I saw the grill that has not been used at all this summer and I think about how most people are outside grilling and sitting on patios and decks having fun and I’m sitting here writing a blog post about how I feel like shit 90% of the time.
I don’t want sympathy or pity, but this has been ramming around in me for months now and it comes out in random ways like getting mad at a cat or telling myself stupid shit that I know is not true. Don’t worry – I have a good therapist and am on good meds, the meds being part of the reason I can’t lose weight, I just know it. When I sufficiently distract myself, I can have a semblance of a normal life but it doesn’t last for long.
I will be okay. And I will get better, even if it’s only by inches. And at least I’ll look good while I’m getting better.